The Snap

I snapped last year in a patient's house. She's the oldest of the Long Covid cohort in my group, old enough she's still thankful just for having healthcare without having to pay. That's enough to almost make you snap. I didn't know that, though. I thought I was fine.

Then I reviewed her medical file and I snapped.

Stow that face. She didn't notice. I did all of her checkups, chatted with her, made sure her psych and house were alright, all the standard things. I was so angry my body couldn't express it. I was all-angry. You know? So I did my visit well but then asked for a shift swap and went home because I didn't know if I could do anything else but be angry. Not "at the world." The world hadn't done those things to her. People had. People with names. Funny how we know and then one day we know and snap.

When I got back home there was a guy standing next to my door with a gun. I don't know how he got one. I know how he knew to be there but I won't tell you just yet. He was there and he gave me the gun, which I did not know how to use, and he told me if I wanted to I could keep the gun and he would teach me to use it. Or I could give it back to him.

I thought about it. Finding the people who had harmed my patient. They weren't harming her anymore, not after the Third Crash and the Rebuild, but the harm they had done lived on and so did most of them. Rich and comfortable and feeling good about themselves. I had the gun in my hand and I knew I could. And I gave it back.

I don't think I did it because revenge is bad. I was against revenge before snapping. Now I don't know. I just gave it back and I got my second job. The thing is - I would have gotten it if I had kept the gun and used it.

I'm not going to give you a gun. Your engineering swarm looks quite dual-use and you've been thinking about how to use it, have you? List of names already? I can help with that if you want. Fossil fuel people weren't shy back then. They still aren't. You could get a few with the tools you have. I won't stop you.

Alright. Alright.

I didn't think you would. But I swear I would have helped. I snapped too. You've decided not to do it, and I haven't heard of anybody having to think about it twice, but when it's your turn to visit somebody the day they snap you won't be there to talk them out of it. None of the people I've visited through. Doesn't mean nobody has or won't.

This was an easy visit though. I didn't have to give you anything, you don't have to give me anything back, and the meadows you're building are beautiful. Would you mind if I bring some patients around to see them? They aren't like the ones they knew but I'm sure they will love them just as much.

(Originally posted on my blog.)